like · rain · falling · endlessly

I've been experiencing some really intense spiritual angst today.  To be perfectly honest, I've actaully been in pain - physical pain - from it.  I don't know exactly what sparked it, but I've felt a very real battle raging inside of me.  I can feel myself being pulled in so many different directions.  I think what it is is God trying to break through to me and call me down the path He's prepared for me, but something inside is blocking His voice... 
I know that I need to cleanse my soul, go to confession, open my spiritual eyes back up.  
The world has been pushing me so hard for so long that I think I've given into it in a lot of ways.  I really think I made up this idea of going to Spain and becoming a college professor all on my owna dn convinced myself that it's what God wanted me to do so I could sleep easier at night.  But when I think about it - I mean reallllly think about it - I don't think that's the right plan for me at all.  Now don't get me wrong, I'de probably be great at it.  I'd probably really enjoy it too.  It's definitely something that would make great sense for my life.  But is it what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?  I'm not so sure.  I really doubt it actually.  
The more I put my own agenda to the side and really focus on where God is calling me, the same place that I've felt Him calling me since I was a girl keeps popping back into my heart:  Africa.  I've been drawn to Africa, specifically its people, for almost my whole life.  I've been so many gifts which equip me to serve the people of this continent it's impossible to deny that I'm more than prepared to dedicate my life to them.  
Let me tell you something important about myself.  I know that I am not alone in this sentiment, but I do know that I am certainly a rarity.  When I read about the Sudan, or Uganda, or the Congo, or Somalia, I can picture the people there as clearly as if they were my brothers and sisters.  I can feel their suffering as if it were my own.  I don't mean that I can mentally imagine what they are going through - I'm speaking very literally here.  I can actually feel physical pain, and it burdens me so.  My heart is so heavy with the burden of their suffering and I feel a pull and a desire to share my gifts with these people to aid in the relief in their suffering.  I'm telling you, this desire is so strong that it almost feels involuntary, as crazy as that might sound.  
I just don't think I'll be able to ignore that strong of a calling my whole life.  
So why am I so hesitant to give in to it?  
Because it's scary!!  I know for a fact my father will not be supportive of it because he wants me to live a normal, safe, and happy American life with a decent income and 2.5 children and a pet dog.  Dad, news flash, I want those things too!!  But I have been cursed and blessed with a deep awareness of the Lord's voice in my life, and I cannot ignore Him.  Also, I don't know where to even start!  Do I join a missionary group, maybe even go to missionary school?  Join a political organization?  A grassroots campaign?  Just fly over and start caring for people with my own two hands like Mother Theresa?  I could do any of these options and so many more.  Looking into the possibility of even TRYING to make that kind of a decision is terrifying.  I'll probably have to move, who knows where? DC? California? Kenya? Italy? To use a well-known cliche in its most literal sense, God only knows.  
Like so many times in my life, I long for clarity.  I long for it like a person lost in the desert longs for water. 

There's still so much I need to learn.  I feel like I'm on the right path but somehow lost within the path itself...

One of my favorite movies of all time starts with this line: "My grandmother always told me that if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."  The movie is Bella and the line is wonderful.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I realize how many times in my life I've gone and made up a whole life-plan for myself and then it is COMPLETELY changed due to circumstances beyond my control.  
I've had so many amazing things happen to me and I've learned that when the times when I've turned the wheel over, and just rode shot-gun for awhile... well, those are the times when everything just makes sense.  I've done that numerous times in my life, but it doesn't make it any easier when the time comes to hop into the passenger seat once again.  

I'm scared of my life right now, because there aren't any bumpers on the lanes anymore.  Remember how fun and easy bowling was as a kid when the bumpers were there?  Well I feel like that's how a lot of my life has been, at least in the decision-making department.  Now, the bumpers are gone.  It's just me, the ball, and those pins all the way down the lane.  And all of a sudden, I wonder, did I ever learn how to actually bowl?  How heavily was I relying on those bumpers?  Am I going to just shoot gutter ball after gutter ball?

Those fears and anxieties, well, I know they come from the world.  The world's always tryin to crush my damn spirit.  I know that I'm pretty well-equipped for what's to come, but I'm just scared.  I know that I have my faith, my family, and really high quality friends to be with me and support me in whatever I do.  So will I stay in Syracuse?  Go to Spain?  Move down South?  Who knows... I certainly don't yet.  

All I know right now is that I'm tired of the driver's seat, it's too stressful.  I'm gonna ride shot-gun again for as long as I can, and just see where the road takes me.  

p.s. Listen to the song I'm "currently listening to."  It's fantastic. 

My best friend got engaged.  I'm so happy for the both of them because he has a GREAT girl and I know that she's got a really great guy too.  I really love Stewart, and they're definitely one of those couples.. you know... *those* couples that you see and you can instantly tell that they're just right for each other.  No relationship is perfect, but they fit so well and I am extremely confident that this marriage is going to be wonderful.  

Important note of business:  I'm Maid of Honor.  Sooooooo HELP!! Haha I love Jaime so much and I want to make this engagement perfect for her.  Anyone who knows me though knows how unbelievably unorganized I am and I'm slightly concerned about pulling off all the important things like... bridal shower, bachelorette party, uhm... all the other things MOHs are supposed to do hahhaa. Ahhhh, I think I'll buy Being the Maid of Honor for Dummies.  It's bound to exist.  

Karen comes tomorrow!! I see Jim Thursday... can't even contain my excitement.  Eeeee yay!! I'm so happy for life right now.

When I woke up this morning, my very first though was, "I just wanna go home."  I wasn't thinking about Syracuse, because that's where I am, that's where I woke up.  I was thinking about Bona's.  All I could think about was how badly I wanted to be back at Bonaventure.  

Graduating yesterday was one of the most surreal moments of my life.  I'd put it on par with holding my little brother in my arms for the first time, and taking my first step onto African soil.  I felt a lot of joy, a great sense of accomplishment, and a bit of excitement for what's to come.  But with all that good came a whole lot of bad.  Packing up and clearing out my entire apartment was a difficult process.  I flat-out did not want to do it, but I had to.  I had some really difficult goodbyes to say.  

For those whome I am not so so close with, I had a lot of trouble because they are the faces I have grown to know and love... walking to class, out at the OP, wholed up in the library, at mass.  I have become so accustomed to seeing them and exchanging smiles and conversations.  They are the ones I regret not getting closer with, they are the ones I will miss so dearly because I may not keep in as good of touch with them as my closer friends.  I will miss seeing their faces everyday.  

And saying goodbye to my close friends was just as difficult.  Maria, Vanessa, Gary, Jordan, Claire. Not because I fear I won't see them again, or stay close with them.  I know I will see them again, and we'll talk constantly.  It's the fact that I have come to rely on these people to live my day to day life.  They are the ones that I eat meals with, the ones I count on to provide me with at least half an hour of laughter each day, the ones that I turn to when I'm having a bad day, and I know they'll have the exact right thing to say, the ones I belt out all our favorite songs with - all five of them, the ones who are never afraid to bust my balls and the ones I'm always sure to bust right back.  You get so used to spending time with these people, that you begin to take it for granted; never intentionally, but you just grow so comfortable with them that you don't always remember just how lucky you are.  It's going to be a huge challenge to relearn living.  I've learned to live in a certain way, being with certain people, and now I have to relearn living because I can't live that way anymore, with those same people.  

Saying goodbye to Jim was terribly painful.  I was trying so hard to be strong in front of him.  I choked back my tears, and he was the only one I did that for.  Why? Because I knew how hard he was trying, and I knew if I stared to cry, he'd lose it, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't in the mood to have the whole world see him crying.  I held him for so long, just memorizing his smell, the way he felt in my arms, the way his hand felt behind my head... I kissed him as long and sweetly as I could.  I looked him in the eyes one last time and then I just had to walk away.  The moment my back was turned, I wanted to look back, but couldn't because I had immediately started to cry. 

Probably the most difficult goodbye I made was to Eileen.  If I talk about being used to seeing people everyday, words can't even describe this sentiment with Eileen.  Some people have roomates.  Some people have best friends.  And then some people are lucky enough to get both in the same person.  She and I have been through so much together, and pulled each other off the ground after many a wipe-out, literally and figuratively.  Even the simplest of things just aren't the same without her: watching trashy tv, cooking pasta at midnight, debriefing my day to someone, laughing, smoking a cigarette, straightening my hair... Of course we will always be in each other's lives, and I'm sure we'll talk pretty much every day, but the point is that no matter what we do, no matter how hard I try, I know in my heart that nothing will ever be just like it was. And it is for that time, that lifestyle, that perfect way things were that I am now mourning.  

I am fortunate enough to have not only two fellow Bonnies, but two of my very best friends right here in Syracuse with me for the summer - Amanda and Emily.  Needless to say, the three of us will be spending much time together being Bonaventure for each other.  

There were some other important and difficult goodbyes.  I'm not sure there is any other school where students forge such strong bonds with their professors and staffers.  But I feel so close with some of the professors and friars at Bona's that it was incredibley hard to say goodbye to them.  Alva Cellini, my advisor, Zennia Hancock, my all-time favorite professor, Fr. Michael, beloved theology professor and friar, Dean Stahl, he's seen me at my very worst and loves me anyway, Fr. Peter, Fr. Dan, Rev Dan, Mike Williams, Doc White, Doc Brown, Joel Horowitz, that crazy man, Laura Peterson, Brother Joe, Fr. Lou, Fr. Bob, Della, the lovely wrap-makers in the RC, Veronica Williams, Chris Stanley despite his annoyingness at times, Trevor Thompson, Bob Donius, Fr. David Blake... I'll miss each of these people in their own ways. 

Another doubt I have is that there are other schools in which the students become so attatched to their campus itself.  Bonaventure campus is such a rich part of the experience.  The red brick buildings, the ivy, the ringing bells, the vast and rolling hills hugging the whole place, the age-old statues, the trail paralelling the gentle Allegany River, the sprawling athletic fields, the townhouse quad, etc. Saying goodbye to the campus was just as difficult as saying goodbye to a person, because it's become part of who I am.

I like to think of life as one big meal.  Your whole life up until college is the drinks.  Mind you, those drinks can either be pretty dull or sometimes mighty fine, it all depends.  Then college is the appetizer.  Many times, the appetizer is the part of the meal you enjoy most because that's when you're hungriest, and everyone knows food just tastes better when you're reall hungry, and appetizers are usually something deep-fried or smathered in cheese, and everyone knows unhealthy foods taste the best.  Your adult life is the main course.  This is the part of the meal with the most variety and which takes you the longest to get through.  There can be delicious parts to the meal, like the steak or the perfectly seasoned pasta sauce.  There can be mediocre parts like the just a little bit too dry potatoes or the incredibly bland vegetable medley.  And sometimes there can be horrible parts like when you accidentally eat the garnish, only to realize garnishes aren't meant to be eaten.  And of course, retirement is dessert.  You may be completely full, but somehow you manage to pack away that last sweet dish.  Dessert is what sweetens your palate after a long and interesting meal, and it's what prepares you for a nice long sleep with a very happy belly. 

I made it through drinks pretty alright, and I gorged myself on the appetizer.  Although I am excited for the main course, I can still taste the goodness that was the appetizer.  As the appetizer stills lingers playfully, I have to prepare myself for the main course, and that's what I intend to do.  I wish that I had taken more time with the appetizer, but it seemed to have almost eaten itself it went by so quickly.  
Well, wish me luck.  I can only hope that my main course holds as many delicious surprises as the drinks and appetizers!

With much mourning left to get through, I'll leave this entry with lyrics to one of my all-time favortie songs, by one of my all-time favorite artists: This Beauty, Amanda Rogers.


When your words come too easily for me to believe and this paint goes on too thinly to peel away, I will find a silver lining sometime. Blur my vision, and I'll be fine... I'll go on silently and I'll be fine fortunately. This beauty is not clear to me, this beauty is not clear to me.